I have thought about giving up therapy this week.
I have struggled since my last session and feel stuck with emotions that I just can’t seem to move. The fact I shut down in that session is incredibly frustrating.
I have been in therapy for many years. Continuously it is about six years, but I had times when I would go for about eight sessions and then T would say that I don’t need her anymore. That probably sounds strange and not something that I can imagine the therapists in the blogs that I read saying that. I don’t see T’s words as dismissive because I was very numb and probably quite dissociated at the time. I keep forgetting to ask T if she knew that I would end up coming back. I’m just interested.
I was deleting emails at work yesterday I and came across some emails from an ex friend. The emails centred around the breakdown of the relationship. She was telling me that she didn’t have the answers, I needed to stop being so negative and that I am incapable of changing. I know that I have written about this before, but I found reading it quite triggering. It put me right back into that place of hopelessness. I had asked for what I needed once to often and was basically told that I was too much.
I was in therapy when the friendship broke down and I think that I was perhaps relying on the wrong person. I had reached the stage where I felt ready to reveal all the ugly thoughts and all the shame. I guess this friend judged it as negativity because she’s not a therapist. All of this pushed me closer to my therapist, but I also think that it has amplified the fear of being too much and abandonment as a result.
I also struggle with defining my experiences. Is it trauma? Is it emotional neglect? Is it just inconsistent parenting resulting in an insecure attachment and zero self esteem? My therapist is not big on labels and maybe it’s because I use WordPress too much, but it’s hard in some ways to not have a clear label. Maybe I just have a massive inferiority complex from reading blogs and seeing that the more horrendous someone’s experience, the more respected they are. I get how bonkers that sounds, but to me the more horrendous someone’s experience, the more worthy they are of empathy and care. I have read lots about attachment, trauma and childhood experiences so maybe that is also what confuses me. Do we all have to fit into the definition of a diagnosis? Realistically, I think that I have traits of quiet BPD, but not all of them. Quiet BPD means that feelings are generally expressed inwards instead of outwards.
Rationally, I think that I probably just want to quit therapy because it’s easier than facing or emailing my therapist about her forgetting about our check-in. As a fellow blogger said, I am trying to withdraw the need rather than not have it met. Quitting is removing the need for my therapist completely – on the surface anyway.
There may be a subconscious need to push her away in the hope that she would encourage me to stay close to her because it’s safe. But she is very passionate about ethics so would more than likely just let me go, so adult me knows that she won’t pull me closer. I feel like I have reached the place of no return in therapy. If I stay in this place, I will be stuck forever. The only way out is through all of this shame and emotion.
I could tell her how hurt and angry I feel, but I would just feel shame about that. I have wondered if she just hasn’t bothered knowing that she can apologise for forgetting and I won’t challenge her because I’m too much of a pushover. I’m struggling not to see this as a big message from her. It doesn’t feel safe to express the hurt and anger that I feel because she can just terminate me as a client and there’s nothing I could do about that. Abandonment feels like a certainty. She also wasn’t expecting payment for the check-in so do I really have any right to be angry? I always question whether she is testing me at these times, but she insists that she isn’t.
I know that a lot of this is transference and the only way to learn that it’s safe is to test it. I’m just so drained and feel constantly insecure. There is no easy way to deal with this which I suppose is what I am searching for. I feel like I am in self destruct mode – push everyone away so that they can’t hurt me.
I know that I sound like a broken record and those of you who replied to my last post are probably thinking, FFS just email her.