Giving up…?

I have thought about giving up therapy this week.

I have struggled since my last session and feel stuck with emotions that I just can’t seem to move. The fact I shut down in that session is incredibly frustrating.

I have been in therapy for many years. Continuously it is about six years, but I had times when I would go for about eight sessions and then T would say that I don’t need her anymore. That probably sounds strange and not something that I can imagine the therapists in the blogs that I read saying that. I don’t see T’s words as dismissive because I was very numb and probably quite dissociated at the time. I keep forgetting to ask T if she knew that I would end up coming back. I’m just interested.

I was deleting emails at work yesterday I and came across some emails from an ex friend. The emails centred around the breakdown of the relationship. She was telling me that she didn’t have the answers, I needed to stop being so negative and that I am incapable of changing. I know that I have written about this before, but I found reading it quite triggering. It put me right back into that place of hopelessness. I had asked for what I needed once to often and was basically told that I was too much.

I was in therapy when the friendship broke down and I think that I was perhaps relying on the wrong person. I had reached the stage where I felt ready to reveal all the ugly thoughts and all the shame. I guess this friend judged it as negativity because she’s not a therapist. All of this pushed me closer to my therapist, but I also think that it has amplified the fear of being too much and abandonment as a result.

I also struggle with defining my experiences. Is it trauma? Is it emotional neglect? Is it just inconsistent parenting resulting in an insecure attachment and zero self esteem? My therapist is not big on labels and maybe it’s because I use WordPress too much, but it’s hard in some ways to not have a clear label. Maybe I just have a massive inferiority complex from reading blogs and seeing that the more horrendous someone’s experience, the more respected they are. I get how bonkers that sounds, but to me the more horrendous someone’s experience, the more worthy they are of empathy and care. I have read lots about attachment, trauma and childhood experiences so maybe that is also what confuses me. Do we all have to fit into the definition of a diagnosis? Realistically, I think that I have traits of quiet BPD, but not all of them. Quiet BPD means that feelings are generally expressed inwards instead of outwards.

Rationally, I think that I probably just want to quit therapy because it’s easier than facing or emailing my therapist about her forgetting about our check-in. As a fellow blogger said, I am trying to withdraw the need rather than not have it met. Quitting is removing the need for my therapist completely – on the surface anyway.

There may be a subconscious need to push her away in the hope that she would encourage me to stay close to her because it’s safe. But she is very passionate about ethics so would more than likely just let me go, so adult me knows that she won’t pull me closer. I feel like I have reached the place of no return in therapy. If I stay in this place, I will be stuck forever. The only way out is through all of this shame and emotion.

I could tell her how hurt and angry I feel, but I would just feel shame about that. I have wondered if she just hasn’t bothered knowing that she can apologise for forgetting and I won’t challenge her because I’m too much of a pushover. I’m struggling not to see this as a big message from her. It doesn’t feel safe to express the hurt and anger that I feel because she can just terminate me as a client and there’s nothing I could do about that. Abandonment feels like a certainty. She also wasn’t expecting payment for the check-in so do I really have any right to be angry? I always question whether she is testing me at these times, but she insists that she isn’t.

I know that a lot of this is transference and the only way to learn that it’s safe is to test it. I’m just so drained and feel constantly insecure. There is no easy way to deal with this which I suppose is what I am searching for. I feel like I am in self destruct mode – push everyone away so that they can’t hurt me.

I know that I sound like a broken record and those of you who replied to my last post are probably thinking, FFS just email her.

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10 thoughts on “Giving up…?

  1. I’m sorry things feel so hard right now.
    I too, will withdraw when I feel like I don’t know what to say or do.
    I don’t know if messaging your T would help or not. I can’t say for sure. Most of the time, I feel worse for reaching out and am filled with the shame of not being able to figure it out for myself at all. So I understand your hesitation to reach out.
    It just never goes away, does it? That sense of missing something, or someone. I often get the feeling of ‘what’s the point anymore?’ if it feels like it’s never going to change.
    I hope things get a little bit easier for you soon. xx

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    • Yeah it’s like a never ending mind game. I think I’m just angry with her for saying that she is going to do something and not doing it. She may have had good intentions, but it’s anxiety inducing. How can she not think about the affect that it may have on me…? I’m still undecided about whether to just leave it and discuss it in the next session. I’m sorry that you can relate but I’m grateful for your honesty. Thank you xx

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  2. Can you send her this post? Or copy and paste it into an email? I think you’re hitting the big stuff now- time to belt up and hang on now… just don’t leave! I instinctively want to run when things feel vulnerable and shame looms large but you’re right, the only way out is through … not out. Sending love x

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    • I could I guess. I’d rather not discuss it over email though. There’s also time for her to remember too – you never know, she might. I have felt so angry since I finished work. I have felt the need to drop passive aggressive hints via my journal and in the next session to see if she remembers. Probably not very progressive, but I’d rather she didn’t to offer to do these things if she can’t commit to it. I don’t think that I will leave, it just makes me question everything we have discussed recently. Thank you x

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      • When is your next session? And was the agreement for a weekly check in? Just wondering whether she is meant to initiate it or you are? Just thinking it may be she’s waiting for you to reach out and then will reply to what you say?? X

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      • Next session is 7th November. She said that she would email me weekly, but not reply to my journal email so that it’s separate. It didn’t sound like I had to initiate it, but I have questioned myself. She was saying that it will only take her a few minutes. She either forgot or just doesn’t consider how important it is for someone like me. I’m feeling a bit more rational today but I forget how triggering this kind of thing is for me.
        I hope you’re okay (as you can be) and have some time to relax this weekend. x

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’d email and just say something like ‘I’ve been feeling really triggered about our check in. I really need the connection and I’ve been wondering if you’ve forgotten me (and that’s stirring up difficult feelings) or whether I’m meant to email and initiate the check in? …. anyway x,y,z

        Thinking of you xxx

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      • That’s super helpful thank you. I know that it’s better to say something rather than let it fester for two weeks and then pretend that it doesn’t matter whilst covering up the anger. It’s scary, but hopefully she won’t be angry with me. xx

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      • She’s not going to be angry with you! You’ve agreed this check in already! Who is it in your past that has made you fear expressing your need and reacted angrily to it? You seem so scared of asking for the smallest of things. That’s not a criticism- at all- you just seem to be so scared of having needs and letting your (seemingly very safe and ground T) see them or your vulnerability. Sending hugs xxx

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      • My parents I think. My upbringing was very insular when I look back on it. I don’t have any close friends and they have never known how much I have struggled since the divorce etc. I was seen and not heard.
        I emailed her earlier but haven’t had a response. The anxiety is taking my breath away. She’s probably just busy. xxx

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