Today I was supposed to go to a museum with my mum, brother, sister in law and nephews. It is my mum’s birthday next week so my brother said that it was for that. She didn’t seem bothered but I was looking forward to it. I made a conscious effort not to imagine it to be perfect which I seem to do these days.
I hadn’t heard anything from anyone at 11.30am this morning but decided to go up and get showered and dressed just in case. By the time it got to 12.30pm, I was losing hope. My mu messaged me to say that she had messaged my brother but hadn’t had a response, and that she was going to get ready. I replied saying that I doubt we would be going now as the museum closes at 5pm. By then, I was already feeling very let down. Well, that is the only way I can think to describe the feeling. I felt like crying, but not in the same way that I usually do. I could barely stand up because my legs felt so weak and wobbly. I had to stop myself from texting my therapist to ask her to take the pain away. It’s the weekend and I just wouldn’t do that. My mum phoned me at 1.30pm to say that my brother and sister in law were taking the boys to the museum because they had promised them. But my mum wasn’t ready after all. She was eventually ready and we went down to meet them. We saw the last part of the exhibition with them.
It was lovely to see my nephews. The eldest eventually held hands with me. We went for a meal afterwards too. He was in the corridor when I came out of the toilet and ran up to me and hugged me. The youngest is also ridiculously adorable and I still can’t believe they exist. I am one lucky auntie!
But I don’t understand where the intense disappointment came from. I can’t really think of times where I have been let down as a child although I am sure there will be times when I felt it. I just can’t recall them. But I am also, despite the fact that I have written this lengthy post, reluctant to understand my feelings. I am reluctant to try to work out why I have felt angry and jealous, and today disappointed to the point of tears. I don’t know if I am trying to keep the emotions back because I can’t handle them alone. I definitely think that in one way, I have shut down since my last session. I do feel the need to connect with my therapist in some way and hopefully my next session not being like the previous one will help me to feel safe again. I struggle to distinguish between the adult and child emotions and thoughts. I can’t separate them. I tend to assume that if I can’t put words to a feeling then it is the child part of me. If I can, then it will be the adult part of me. Adult me tends to feel more about the everyday things like work.
I know that this post doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think I am still reluctant to be vulnerable and I don’t really know how to get over that hurdle. I know that I shouldn’t rush myself especially as my therapy is only monthly. I’m so tired.