I am so done with this week. I also couldn’t think of a title for this post.
It started like any normal week until the Manchester bombing on Monday night. I work in the city centre and it has been such a surreal, somber and emotional week. I am not directly affected but I still felt the heartbreak and devastation of it all. My train to work goes to the train station underneath the arena so I know it well. My friends daughters friend was killed as well two people from the town I live in. It’s a big city, but in other ways it’s not. I don’t think that I would have felt emotions about it before therapy though.
The events of this week have somewhat distracted me from therapy. I keep forgetting that it is next week. It’s been a long four weeks. But this evening, I had an email from my therapist, just in response to my weekly journal. It was all very practical which makes me want to run away. CBT feels cold and not what I need or am able to do at the moment. I understand the purpose and the benefit of developing relationships but I am so driven by my feelings. All the feelings that I have suppressed for years and years. My therapist being practical triggers me. My dad has always been practical but not affectionate. I don’t expect affection from my therapist but it feels like she is dismissing my feelings. I either get on with life and be practical or I be weak and fall apart. The child within me is thinking – I can’t do that, please don’t make me do that. My gut reaction was to cancel the session because she must think that I am a terrible person. She has to. She must hate me as much as I hate myself. She wouldn’t like the real me. I am building up the wall again so that I don’t cry when it is inappropriate or not allowed. It doesn’t seem to take much for me to still feel scared and withdraw. It doesn’t feel safe.
Lastly, I am getting increasingly wary of commenting on other posts. I am not part of the clique which was once called a community. I have a talent for saying the wrong thing or offending people. I haven’t been through enough trauma to be accepted. But at the same time, I don’t come from a part of the world where we indulge each other in misery. I come from a part of the world which has shown it’s guts, strength and community spirit. I seem to have offended people with slightly practical advice at times. Or maybe one person has a superiority complex. I am disappointed at being judged by people I would least expect to judge me. There shouldn’t be a hierarchy of suffering in life. People won’t always tell you what you want to hear in life. A therapist, if they are a good one, won’t tell you what you want to hear. This probably sounds really bitter and I have probably offended some people. I am not disrespecting peoples experiences at all. I am just sad that I really care about people who find it easy to just dismiss me because I don’t always say the right words, give a different perspective or am simply not intelligent enough. I have learnt a lot from reading other amazing blogs on here but keeping my mouth shut seems like a good idea. It proves that being myself is not good and that I care far too easily about others. Or maybe I am just an empathic badass.
So unfollow if you feel the need/want to. It is detrimental to my own recovery to worry about others who do not appreciate me. It is not my problem.