I haven’t blogged for a couple of weeks which is unusual for me. I think it’s party because I am putting my energy into getting through each day which involves trying to avoid the anxiety and stuff the emotions down. Life feels so overwhelming. I am constantly trying to keep functioning and not have a breakdown. I have been reading posts, but I have struggled to know what to say in support. My words never come out in the way that I want them to.
I’m fairly certain that I am going to lose my job, but my brain is still not capable of letting me do what is good for me to prevent that from happening. I struggle to see the light when I realise that I was born a fuck-up and will always be one. I don’t see the point in living if I will forever be fucking things up. The shame is enough to kill me. I’m too ashamed to go into more detail even here because there are many people who hold down jobs whilst managing their mental illness. I should be able to do that. I think that I have been given more than most of you in the way of functioning ability in everyday life.
This reminds me of one of my aunties. I think that she has lost a few jobs in her time. I have always been given the impression by my parents that she is too much. My dad once said that in a not so direct way. He has no tolerance for her really. He says that she is too emotional and high maintenance. They’re not close at all. She is the same age as my therapist strangely. His attitude is shit if you consider the fact that her ex husband was abusing her when her eldest daughter was just a toddler I think. Her daughters are also more securely attached than my brother and I. They seem to be anyway. It’s such a subtle thing, but I guess it is part of the reason why I have learned that it’s not acceptable or normal to cry. He openly mocked my auntie’s for crying at my uncle’s wedding. I don’t know him at all. He is so closed off. We don’t have a connection. I think that we’re very different in a way that I don’t show him.
I went out for a meal with my family on Saturday. There was about 22 of us. My nephews were a little off at first and that unsettled me. They seemed quite shy which is unusual for them. They are quite sociable little boys. I guess it’s because they don’t know the majority of our extended family. We are spread out all over the country really so we don’t see each other that often. We also don’t visit each other in the way that my sister in law’s family do. There was also a bit of trouble with the service at the restaurant and it escalated. I could feel the tension in the air which I could feel generally anyway. I don’t feel a connection to any of my family. I find these events quite fake even though my family is probably only mildly dysfunctional compared to that of some of you.
I got an email from my therapist last Thursday – the 29/11 . She said that she ‘had remembered’ me saying in my journal that I had gone out the Saturday before despite the anxiety and that it is something to be proud of. That statement made me wonder (hope) that she had been randomly thinking about me whilst she was going about her day. In reality, she had probably just read it in my journal. I’m not complaining about her emailing me of course! I’m really grateful that she has managed to email me every week so far. It helps me to feel like she is still there, but her support makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m still hoping that the weather will work in my favour and I will be able to get to my session on the 12th. I wrote this paragraph last weekend and haven’t had an email from her this week. That doesn’t bother me because I am only a few days away from seeing her. That is what I am trying to hold in mind anyway.
I think that I have been able to stuff my emotions down for the past few weeks, but now they are back. That may be in anticipation of seeing T though. I don’t feel like I can settle at the moment – not that I have ever really felt settled. I also find Christmas to be super draining. Trying to work out what to buy for people and being more sociable than I would usually be. I just enjoy the enforced time off work. Next weekend will be busy and social so I’m hoping that my session will enable me to get through that. Being able to connect to someone and be heard will hopefully ground me – or break me down! The emotions are still scary to me. I have no idea how to deal with all of my feelings without being in T’s house way after my session has finished. Today, I am tempted to cancel the session because I don’t feel worthy enough. How can she be nice to someone who is such a fuck-up?
This post is a bit all over the place, but so am I.